J’adore

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J’adore

Quiet days I spend with you

marveling at your face

enamored with your beautiful smile

and in love with your bright eyes

You are everything beautiful

that I love

about life and God’s gifts

You are indeed the most rare and precious

of all His possessions

I’m so grateful that God saved

you in my womb

He gave you life

when yours my beautiful child

could have joined the insatiable

ocean of possibilities

You are real

no imagination

no possibility

but a magnificent reminder

of God’s grace, beauty and mercy

You are perfect

in every flaw and attribute of brilliance

I’m grateful for you my darling

I’m honored to be your mother

Miss Sasha Skylar

I’ve waited a very long time for you…

 

“I longed for a daughter, but as the years passed by, I gave up on that desire.”

I wrote this poem in Topeka, Kansas to my newborn daughter, Sasha Skylar on December 6, 2014 while I was home with her on maternity leave from Verizon Wireless. Over 10 years ago, when I was pregnant with Daniel, I didn’t know the sex of my baby. While sitting in the School of Business computer lab at Howard University, I did research and created a list of two possible baby names. One for a boy and one for a girl, Daniel Linn and Sascha Skylar. I took a trip to Florida that created a shift in all my other plans and delayed my coming back to school,  so I missed all scheduled hospital visits in Washington, DC.  Later, when I returned, I found out that I was having a baby boy. However, I never forgot about the beautiful name Sascha Skylar and all it meant. Sascha, a Russian boy’s name meaning ‘helper and defender of mankind’ and Skylar, an English name meaning ‘eternal life, love, beauty and strength’ and ‘scholar’. I longed for a daughter, but as the years passed by, I gave up on that desire. I simply thought that I couldn’t have children anymore. I wrote a poem ‘Sascha Skylar’ and published it in my book of poetry ‘Woman on the Move‘ about how I envisioned my daughter to be and as an ode to a dream that I thought I would never see come to fruition.

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“My fear of what I wouldn’t be, outweighed my desire to have something I’ve always wanted.”

Last year, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t know the sex of the baby. I was more concerned with everything that I hadn’t done in life and everything I wanted prior to having another child, that I never thought that I could be pregnant with the child I always wanted. Truth is, I planned to have an abortion. My fear of what I wouldn’t be, outweighed my desire to have something I’ve always wanted. I remember watching this movie, ‘Meant to Be’ that I had no idea was about abortion. You start to fall in love with this main character as he desperately seeks to find out more information about his life and circumstances. You cheered and rooted for him to piece back together his life. It was like he was suffering from memory loss. Until it was revealed that he wasn’t suffering from memory loss, everything in his life was disconnected because he didn’t exist. He was an aborted child and what we saw were all the possibilities of what his life could have been had he had been given the chance to live. It was a sobering movie and even remembering it never stopped me from pursuing my decision.

 

“My fear had paralyzed me into believing that if I didn’t get rid of the child, then I would be just like so many other people whose dreams dwindled and their lives were filled with feelings of defeat and regret.”

The only thing that stopped me from having an abortion was when I realized that my fear was stopping me from believing that God could still work in my life. My life circumstances were so dire there was no way that I could believe that I would not be a struggling single mother, working paycheck to paycheck, living on the welfare system and giving up my dreams in exchange for a mediocre existence. My fear had paralyzed me into believing that if I didn’t get rid of the child, then I would be just like so many other people whose dreams dwindled and their lives were filled with feelings of defeat and regret. I desired to marry again. I desired to have a great career and travel all over the world. Yet, I wondered how would I do any of those things by having a child by a man who was just a great lover and nothing more to me. I never envisioned a future with him. I never even wanted to date him. Truth is, I just wanted to use him, like I did in previous years that never resulted in me becoming pregnant. I thought about the fact that this child would absolutely be raised by a single mother and that she undoubtedly would have a limited relationship with her father because I didn’t live in the same location as him. I would have no choice but to raise her on my own because I wasn’t willing to relocate to bring her closer to him and even if I did, it didn’t change the fact that she would be raised primarily by a single mother. All of these painful truths or fears played over and over again in my mind as I thought about what type of life I could provide for this child.

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“…if you let go of fear, you can still do what it is that you desire.”

Every time I look at her, Sasha Skylar (spelled without the ‘c’ because I wanted the spelling change to reflect a heart change since all those years ago that I picked out that name) I’m reminded of the fact that if I had selfishly chose me and my desires over my child and the possibility of what could become of this new life, this new person that I adore, would never have existed. I know that everyone has those ‘what if’ questions in their minds. Those questions that keep them up at night. I hope that my honesty helps reveal that if you let go of fear, you can still do what it is you truly desire. Even if your past is shady and full of things you wish you’d never done, God can still use you in amazing ways. Truth is, I now have no fear of getting married again or having the life I desire. Seeing myself pursue so many opportunities after I made that fateful decision to cancel the abortion is a testament to God blessing those who desire to please Him. I’ve been abstinent now for close to 17 months  because of a promise that I made to God and I’ve purged my life of so many self-destructive habits. I’ve released the need to hold on to things that contradicted who God tells me that I am. I’ve been working daily to show myself more self-love and investing my time and energy into loving thoughts, habits and actions. Loving my daughter the way she deserves is a byproduct of me loving myself. When you love yourself, you don’t listen to fear, matter of fact, you silence it. You move on faith. I hope today that you decide to silence fear and move on faith.

At the park in Saint Aubin Daubigne, France where we lived for 2 months
At the park in Saint Aubin Daubigne, France where we lived for 2 months

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